prayers for rain

Time to be honest with you. I've had some rough weeks. Peter and I hit a bump in the road but are still happy together (though many miles apart). Mom was in Texas to help take care of a family friend who is battling cancer. She came back in time to leave again and go to Arizona to visit with Tante Mary in hospice care. Oy. I knew what that meant. She would be gone from this earth soon. But I was (am) so far away from all of my family so it seems like everyone is gone from this earth. Right? No. Not right. She died last week. And I miss her. And I miss everyone. Everyone dies eventually. That fact was what made me most worried to leave everyone for a year; "What if somebody dies?! I can't come to the funeral. I can't comfort other loved ones. I can't be with family or loved ones who understand. I'll be so far away." I'm glad I got to see Tante in May for graduation. Her laughter and smiles are still with me.

But today was difficult. It was Friday here (usually a stupendous thing) but Thursday October 20 in the United States. My parents and extended family on my mom's side would be celebrating Tante's life with (whatever you want to call it) a memorial service in Arizona. Mismatched earrings. October 20 is also Mom's birthday. That hurt too. For the first time since I got here, I looked around and did not want to be here; "Who are these people? What am I doing here? I wish I could be with Momma today, on her birthday, at Tante's funeral. Why am I working today? Who will allow me to cry on their shoulder? Can everyone tell that I need a hug and am on the verge of tears?" They could tell. Funny thing about Malaysians is they don't show public displays of affection. I've observed that it's really only teenagers at the mall walking really close to each other, parents hugging or kissing their child, and married couples holding hands. That's the most I've seen. "Who will hug me?!" Of course, my sweet makcik saw my face, eyes red, and asked me if I was sad today for some reason. She said it was a guess. I nodded and tried to explain through my handkerchief. I had already told a few coworkers and I thought they would explain for me so that I wouldn't have to do it again. I looked around and they were silent. She asked if I was homesick. I held up two fingers. "There are two reasons I am homesick right now. My auntie's funeral is today." I looked down at my watch. "Right now. Right now my parents are there and..." Tears. "And it's my mom's birthday!" She walked over to me. "Oh Allisun. It's okay. Don't cry. Ohh aww." She was hugging me. Right in the middle of the Arts and Crafts area with at least 7 trainees looking at us and maybe 4 staff members. Horrifying. (such a three) This is not how I want people to see me. No one knows what to do. I don't even know what I expect anyone to do in that situation! Hug the white lady? Look away? Leave the room? Hand her some tissues? I don't know if it's because of the language barrier but three people told me to calm down and not to cry. In my world, if I need to cry then I'm going to cry! I'll probably feel better too. I don't want to pretend that I don't want to cry. But I did. I wiped and sucked it all back. I looked at my work and continued with it. I was silent.

Throughout the day I let out big sighs. People noticed. They looked and said, "Kenapa [why], Allisun? No more crying okay?" I nodded. It's painful though. I came back to my room a few times today. The internet was pretty nonexistent and I just wanted to hear from loved ones and let them know that I was thinking of them. But no. Loneliness and homesickness at its finest. My original schedule has me off on Fridays starting at lunch time but after some reevaluation this week, Joan and I decided I would go to the meetings on Friday afternoon with the vocational trainers. I was all set to do that, assuming it would only be about an hour and loved ones would still be awake and online afterwards. The meeting went longer but still, I had hope I could make it. As soon as the meeting started to wind down... the rain came. And with full force. We had to end the meeting simply because we could not hear each other over the sound it was making on the roof. Lakes, instantly, appeared between the vocational side and the side that has my family members in the cyber world of my computer. Lightning. Crashing thunder. Leaks in the roof like waterfalls. And then genuinely feeling cold (a rare occurrence). "Good night Pacific Coast time zone. It was a nice try but there's no way for me to contact you, especially if I'm wearing TOMS, don't even have my umbrella, and it's raining buckets. When you do wake up, I'll have written this and said goodbye to October 20, 2011. Perhaps this sakit hati [sick/achey liver] will be finished with its sickness. I'll still miss you though. I'll still wish I could have been there. "

In all these things I remember that I am blessed. Blessed to have Tante in my life. Blessed to have a momma to wish a happy birthday. Blessed to be in Malaysia. Blessed with rain that nourishes the flowers and plants. Blessed with the ability to feel, breathe, weep, love. For all of this, I thank God.